Avoid Conflict Avoidance

As a consultant, I run into a lot of conflict avoidance.  It's out there more than you might think.  Most people just seem to shy away from conflict, and conflict avoidance causes more problems than meeting the conflict head-on.  That's why you should avoid conflict avoidance.

Many times we avoid conflict because it's downright unpleasant.  Having to tell someone they're doing something wrong just makes us uncomfortable.  We worry about the other person getting mad, making a scene, punching us out.  And so we come up with ingenious ways to address the problem, while avoiding the actual conflict.

We sugar-coat it.  And whenever we do this, the person never takes it really seriously.  Why?  Because we've made it sound like "no big deal."

Or we tell the entire group about a problem, even when we know that only one person in that group has the problem.  This approach never works because the one person who has the problem never considers that he or she is the one we're talking to.

Or we hope it will just get better.  This approach works only if you're lucky.  I mean really lucky, like win-the-lotto lucky.  And since most of us aren't that lucky, the problem gets worse, or more entrenched, making it harder to solve down the line.

What should you do?  Identify what the other person's doing that's driving you nuts.  Be very specific, and practice what you're going to say.  Be a lot more forceful than you usually are, and just tell the person.  Then hold the person accountable for doing things differently.

The first conflict we have to resolve is with ourselves, the conflict between what we know we should do--address the conflict head-on--and what we want to do, what's most comfortable--taking the easy way out.

Once you resolve that conflict within yourself, you'll be well equipped for resolving conflict with others.