Listening When You Know You're Right Is Hard to Do

I was discussing the topic of listening with a management team recently, and they all agreed that it's easier to talk about listening than it is to actually do it. They're right. You know the things you should do--maintaining eye contact, looking for nonverbal cues, keeping an open mind--but actually doing those things is difficult. Especially when you're 100% sure you're right, and the other person is wrong.

The more certain you are of your position, the more vulnerable you are to doing a bad job of listening, and the harder you have to work at listening. Usually we think that certainty is good, that that it makes us more confident and forceful. And that's true.

But it's also true that certainty can mean we don't devote as much effort to listening. Not just hearing, or going through the motions of listening, but REALLY listening to the other person. Not listening is dangerous. We can miss important information.

Or we can send the wrong signal. As leaders, we're supposed to listen to others, to be open to opposing viewpoints, to be reasonable. But if we're so certain of our own position, we might just start thinking of other things, we might start glancing at our watch, or computer, or our blackberry.

When that happens we insult the other person by showing that we don't respect the person enough to give his or her view a fair hearing. And that's when the other person loses respect for us.

It's an old adage, but true: God gave us two ears and only one mouth because He wants us to do twice as much listening as talking. Most leaders I know can do a better job of listening, but it takes hard work and discipline. Especially when we're convinced we're right.